{"id":65,"date":"2013-07-14T21:54:00","date_gmt":"2013-07-14T21:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/?p=65"},"modified":"2013-07-14T21:54:00","modified_gmt":"2013-07-14T21:54:00","slug":"five-bike-racers-you-meet-in-heaven-a-tall-tale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/?p=65","title":{"rendered":"Five Bike Racers You Meet in Heaven – a Tall Tale"},"content":{"rendered":"

14 July 2013:<\/strong> here’s a post I wrote last year, when I was Area Governor for District 55, Area K52. The district chose to do the Tall Tales Speech Contest instead of the Humorous Speech Contest. I wrote the following story (somewhat based on my own experiences as a bicycle racer) as an example of a Tall Tale.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

4 September 2012:<\/strong> last week, I attended the AGLCC Tall Tales and Table Topics contest. The contest Toastmaster offered up a tall tale of his own to warm up the crowd for the contestants \u2013 a story about being hired to be Arnold Schwarzenegger\u2019s personal trainer.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve long known theoretically what a tall tale is, but I had something of a writer\u2019s block when I had the chance to compete in our club\u2019s Tall Tales contest the last time it was held several years ago. After hearing the tall tales at last Monday\u2019s contest, however, I was reminded of a story I came up with many years ago.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

As an Area Governor, I can\u2019t compete in any Tall Tales contests this year. I thought I would share this story with the clubs in my Area, in case any members want to compete in the upcoming contests, but are suffering from writer\u2019s block as I was.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Enjoy!<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Five Bike Racers You Meet In Heaven<\/span><\/h3>\n

I\u2019ve told the story of how I got the scars on my arms before, but I\u2019ve never told anyone the whole<\/strong> story \u2013 before today, that is.<\/span><\/p>\n

The year was 1984, and I was a bicycle racer. An inspired<\/strong> bicycle racer.<\/span><\/p>\n

The source of my inspiration was Bernard Hinault, one of the greatest French bicycle racers of all time. Hinault sprinted like a dragster, climbed like a rocket, and descended like a madman.<\/span><\/p>\n

In 1984, Hinault had won the Tour de France four times already, and everyone knew it was just a matter of time before he won it a fifth time and joined the ranks of cycling\u2019s immortals, men like Simpson, Garin, Bottechia, Bobet and Coppi.<\/span><\/p>\n

I idolized<\/strong> Bernard Hinault.<\/span><\/p>\n

In the first race of the season, I was so excited that I accidentally grabbed the brake levers at the start of the final bunch sprint of 200 riders. The heat caused by the friction of the brake pads on my rims caused both tires to blow out with 50 meters to go. I was forced to settle for second place.<\/span><\/p>\n

In the next race, I decided to attack early and cruise to a solo victory. I started my attack by accelerating along the side of the pack.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just as I got even with the front of the pack, I saw the figure of a man in a red suit directly ahead of me. It was the Devil himself – Didi Senft, the Tour de France Devil, that is.<\/span><\/p>\n

I had to swerve into the ditch to keep from hitting Didi and causing an international incident. The peloton took advantage of my bad luck and accelerated like they were leaving the Devil in their dust (as indeed they were).<\/span><\/p>\n

Did I give up? <\/span><\/p>\n

Ask yourself \u2013 would a man inspired by Bernard Hinault<\/strong> just give up?<\/span><\/p>\n

I got back on my bike and accelerated quickly \u2013 so quickly, I left a ten-meter streak of burned rubber on the road, and the Doppler effect of my speed caused Didi\u2019s cheers to sound like a sticky cassette tape \u2013 \u201cAllez! Allez! All-lez! Aaaa\u2026leeez\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I passed a pair of motorcyclists riding Ninja 900s \u2013 one of them tried to draft off of me, but was forced to back off. I saw the racing pack ahead of me, just rounding a tight corner.<\/span><\/p>\n

I waited until the last possible instant to brake, and that\u2019s when I discovered that I was in trouble. The corner was much tighter than it had appeared, and I was going much too fast to make the turn. I braked as hard as I could \u2013 the brake pads burst into flames! \u2013 but it wasn\u2019t enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

I shot across the road, onto the flat grassy shoulder, and came to a sudden stop against a barbed wire fence. But my troubles were only beginning.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I didn\u2019t know was that the rancher who owned the land had decided to electrify his fence, and had run the wires from his fence charger parallel to some\u00a0 high-voltage lines way overhead, forming a crude transformer.<\/span><\/p>\n

My bicycle tires insulated me when I first hit the fence, but when I stood up and grabbed the fence wire to steady myself, I took the full force of the current. The lights of San Antonio dimmed as the current passed through my heart, killing me instantly.<\/span><\/p>\n

I found myself floating down a long featureless white corridor. I reached the end of the corridor, and was met by five bike racers. I recognized Tommy Simpson, and Maurice Garin (smoking his usual cigarette), and Ottavio Bottechia, and Louison Bobet. The fifth racer was Fausto Coppi, the great Italian \u201cchampion of champions\u201d, the campionissimo. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Fausto held out a bicycle for me and said, \u201cHurry, my friend, the race is about to start.\u201d I mounted the bicycle \u2013 it fit perfectly \u2013 and we started off.<\/span><\/p>\n

We were just out on an afternoon training race, six racers pretty evenly matched. We sprinted for light poles, and traded some trash talk. Garin told me, \u201cYou ride very well \u2014 for an American.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

We turned a corner and started up a mountain road, and things got serious<\/strong>. Simpson attacked first, Bobet got on his wheel, and Coppi and I followed. Garin spat out his cigarette and tried to follow, but he and Bottechia were the first to drop back. I counter-attacked and Coppi came with me. We opened a lead on Simpson and Bobet.<\/span><\/p>\n

On and on we climbed, trading the lead back and forth. I looked back and saw that Simpson and Bobet had regrouped with Bottechia and Garin \u2013 but the race was going to be won by either me or Coppi. I also saw that a fifth rider had come up behind the others. He had a long white beard like Didi, but he was dressed all in white.<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon we were in the last kilometer of the race, riding on sheer guts. As we passed under the banner marking the last 200 meters to the finish, I was shocked to see that the rider with the beard had caught us \u2013 and was passing us!<\/span><\/p>\n

Fausto and I were maxed out, but the rider in white climbed past us like a rocket, sprinted across the finish line like a dragster, and started down the road going down the mountain on the other side, descending like a madman.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fausto and I rolled over the finish line, still side-by-side, and coasted to a stop. I turned to Coppi and asked, \u201cWho was THAT?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Suddenly, I felt a jolt, and heard a distant voice yell \u201cCLEAR!\u201d I felt a stronger jolt, and heard another distant voice say, \u201cI\u2019ve got a pulse!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I found myself flying backward through the featureless white tunnel, and came to in an ambulance, with paramedics working to revive me. But I\u2019ll always remember the words Fausto said to me just before I was revived:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the same thing every year. He<\/strong> watches the Tour de France, gets on a bike, and pretends He<\/strong>\u2018s Bernard Hinault!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

14 July 2013: here’s a post I wrote last year, when I was Area Governor for District 55, Area K52. The district chose to do the Tall Tales Speech Contest instead of the Humorous Speech Contest. I wrote the following story (somewhat based on my own experiences as a bicycle racer) as an example of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-65","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=65"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=65"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=65"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tm.spurlock.cc\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=65"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}